The Ides of Life
The ides of a life lie where?
Is it at 50 when you’ve had
Your fill of loss and pain,
Gained fortune if not fame,
Or is it at 40 when the sun still
Feeds you warmth, enough to
Gratify all senses? You hope
It won’t be at 30, pray that’s not
Your storyline, to die untethered
To much history, a half-life
Run roughshod and asunder…
Or is it? To have lived and loved,
Thrown caution to the wind.
Let the ides of a life be 20 then!
Requiem for a Boy-Girl
I let go of the longing
When I was a boy,
When I was a girl.
I let go of the longing
When I turned twelve,
When father shook the two-spirit from me,
Tearing the dress-up clothes off my back
Into tatters, demanding that I tell him
What it was I had between my legs.
Even though I knew what it was,
I did not want to say it out loud,
For fear the word would make it too real,
Would wrangle out of me the lovely fiction
I had created for myself, dressed in multicolored
Crinolines, like fairy dust against my nubile legs.
I threw away my satin and chiffon evening dress,
My too-big high-heeled shoes that let me walk
In a slight recline to feel tall all at the same time.
I lost touch with my feminine side and sent
It packing along with my sister’s Tressy doll
That had been all mine for longer than it had
Ever been hers to claim. No more makeup or
Rhinestone jewelry, no more dressing up,
No more hairdressing my mother’s locks.
Everything “she” was sent packing, hiding of my own
Free will— (or as much free will as I imagined then),
Locked away in cupboards without doors.
At the end of the loveliest, longest, most luxurious
Summer day in a boy-girl’s life, the universe she knew
Came to a mournful halt. No last rites, no eulogy.
Imagine the psychological dirge a child observes
At the primitive loss of a secret held too close.
Tobias Maxwell is the author of three novels, The Month After September, Thomas, and The Sex and Dope Show Saga; a novella, And Baby Makes Two; three memoirs, 1973—Early Applause, 1977—The Year of Leaving Monsieur, and 1983—The Unknown Season; as well as a poetry collection, Homogium. The Gay and Lesbian Review Worldwide published his poem, We Were Always There, in their November-December 2020 issue. His article, Bi the Bi, was published in the online Gay & Lesbian Review Worldwide in March, 2020. A short story, The Appointment, was in the fall 2018 issue of Worlds Magazine available online. Other articles have appeared in Balita and Mom…Guess What newspapers, LA Edge, Art & Understanding, New Century and The California Therapist magazines. His one-act play, The Mary Play, was republished in 2014 by Black Lawrence Press in Art & Understanding: Literature from the First Twenty Years of A&U.
You can find more by visiting his website and blog at:
tobiasmaxwell.com
[email protected]
The ides of a life lie where?
Is it at 50 when you’ve had
Your fill of loss and pain,
Gained fortune if not fame,
Or is it at 40 when the sun still
Feeds you warmth, enough to
Gratify all senses? You hope
It won’t be at 30, pray that’s not
Your storyline, to die untethered
To much history, a half-life
Run roughshod and asunder…
Or is it? To have lived and loved,
Thrown caution to the wind.
Let the ides of a life be 20 then!
Requiem for a Boy-Girl
I let go of the longing
When I was a boy,
When I was a girl.
I let go of the longing
When I turned twelve,
When father shook the two-spirit from me,
Tearing the dress-up clothes off my back
Into tatters, demanding that I tell him
What it was I had between my legs.
Even though I knew what it was,
I did not want to say it out loud,
For fear the word would make it too real,
Would wrangle out of me the lovely fiction
I had created for myself, dressed in multicolored
Crinolines, like fairy dust against my nubile legs.
I threw away my satin and chiffon evening dress,
My too-big high-heeled shoes that let me walk
In a slight recline to feel tall all at the same time.
I lost touch with my feminine side and sent
It packing along with my sister’s Tressy doll
That had been all mine for longer than it had
Ever been hers to claim. No more makeup or
Rhinestone jewelry, no more dressing up,
No more hairdressing my mother’s locks.
Everything “she” was sent packing, hiding of my own
Free will— (or as much free will as I imagined then),
Locked away in cupboards without doors.
At the end of the loveliest, longest, most luxurious
Summer day in a boy-girl’s life, the universe she knew
Came to a mournful halt. No last rites, no eulogy.
Imagine the psychological dirge a child observes
At the primitive loss of a secret held too close.
Tobias Maxwell is the author of three novels, The Month After September, Thomas, and The Sex and Dope Show Saga; a novella, And Baby Makes Two; three memoirs, 1973—Early Applause, 1977—The Year of Leaving Monsieur, and 1983—The Unknown Season; as well as a poetry collection, Homogium. The Gay and Lesbian Review Worldwide published his poem, We Were Always There, in their November-December 2020 issue. His article, Bi the Bi, was published in the online Gay & Lesbian Review Worldwide in March, 2020. A short story, The Appointment, was in the fall 2018 issue of Worlds Magazine available online. Other articles have appeared in Balita and Mom…Guess What newspapers, LA Edge, Art & Understanding, New Century and The California Therapist magazines. His one-act play, The Mary Play, was republished in 2014 by Black Lawrence Press in Art & Understanding: Literature from the First Twenty Years of A&U.
You can find more by visiting his website and blog at:
tobiasmaxwell.com
[email protected]